bunga ng makulit na pag-iisip

last night, i was having my usual tomaan with my office mates, when a friend of my fave housemate called. i cannot remember the whole conversation as i was feeling sleepy and tipsy. (i texted her that my legendary indonesian delight exbf’s wife delivered his first born baby. and now he is a father.and that i am happy for him.) she asked me- do i feel lonely sometime? without pausing, i replied no.  i felt that she’s sad for me. i don’t know if she was convinced as i felt that moment, i don’t have to convince her nor explain myself that my being happy to have known my ex becoming a father and not being the mother of his child. i just felt that way. is it normal? or am i a masochist?

i have always wanted to end up with my ex no matter what it takes. my coming to indonesia  on year 2007, hoping that i would get pregnant,  was the last weapon i launched.  but i was not successful. and two years had passed. now, i can say i am okay. i am happy that a part of my ex ’s dream came true. i know i took part in realising it.

from time to time i texted him, and he always replied. but that’s just it. we kept that friendship and i have managed to tell myself- i don’t have to blame myself or him for not ending up in marriage. some love don’t end up in marriage, and those who end up in it, don’t necessarily mean they love each other, and that they live happily ever  after. but i am happy for those who found their destiny.  it’s the way of life- those who travel must know when it’s time to move on (excerpt from alchemist).

there are times when people around me stressed out my age, and find myself doing it, makes me lose some confidence i gathered through years of experience. but it comforts me- my having housemates & friends, inaanaks, acquaintances, ka-tomaan and family, with occasional fights with my mother who is hard headed as me- are still here, witnessing my struggle to make my simple dream come true. happy memories become handy in times of being alone. yun lang kase ang meron ako pag feeling alone. that’s why kahit corning jokes pinapatos ko- invest much in laughter and  happy  times with my pets, friends and family.

someday, it will come and i will know it when it pass my way.  for the time being, this crisis of being 31 and single, will wear out. i will not get tired, it will cease, have its own natural death. survivor ata ako.  dadaanin ko na lang sa inom, sa tawa, sa patingin-tingin sa mga cute. ganun talaga ang buhay.  basta, we have to learn to make the best out of anything we do. we should try to be the most likable, lovable, loyal, kindest, wisest person that we can be. we just have to reinvent ourselves, have a child’s heart, a big space to accommodate change  and learn new things everyday…

voila! maktub…