bunga ng makulit na pag-iisip

last night, i was having my usual tomaan with my office mates, when a friend of my fave housemate called. i cannot remember the whole conversation as i was feeling sleepy and tipsy. (i texted her that my legendary indonesian delight exbf’s wife delivered his first born baby. and now he is a father.and that i am happy for him.) she asked me- do i feel lonely sometime? without pausing, i replied no.  i felt that she’s sad for me. i don’t know if she was convinced as i felt that moment, i don’t have to convince her nor explain myself that my being happy to have known my ex becoming a father and not being the mother of his child. i just felt that way. is it normal? or am i a masochist?

i have always wanted to end up with my ex no matter what it takes. my coming to indonesia  on year 2007, hoping that i would get pregnant,  was the last weapon i launched.  but i was not successful. and two years had passed. now, i can say i am okay. i am happy that a part of my ex ’s dream came true. i know i took part in realising it.

from time to time i texted him, and he always replied. but that’s just it. we kept that friendship and i have managed to tell myself- i don’t have to blame myself or him for not ending up in marriage. some love don’t end up in marriage, and those who end up in it, don’t necessarily mean they love each other, and that they live happily ever  after. but i am happy for those who found their destiny.  it’s the way of life- those who travel must know when it’s time to move on (excerpt from alchemist).

there are times when people around me stressed out my age, and find myself doing it, makes me lose some confidence i gathered through years of experience. but it comforts me- my having housemates & friends, inaanaks, acquaintances, ka-tomaan and family, with occasional fights with my mother who is hard headed as me- are still here, witnessing my struggle to make my simple dream come true. happy memories become handy in times of being alone. yun lang kase ang meron ako pag feeling alone. that’s why kahit corning jokes pinapatos ko- invest much in laughter and  happy  times with my pets, friends and family.

someday, it will come and i will know it when it pass my way.  for the time being, this crisis of being 31 and single, will wear out. i will not get tired, it will cease, have its own natural death. survivor ata ako.  dadaanin ko na lang sa inom, sa tawa, sa patingin-tingin sa mga cute. ganun talaga ang buhay.  basta, we have to learn to make the best out of anything we do. we should try to be the most likable, lovable, loyal, kindest, wisest person that we can be. we just have to reinvent ourselves, have a child’s heart, a big space to accommodate change  and learn new things everyday…

voila! maktub…

“I’m getting married,” words that I do not want to hear from Ichwanul. But I did.
I was sad and happy. I even called him after the so-called wedding hoping that he was joking or I just want to hurt myself more. The least I expect to feel happened. I was not angry. Others will call me “GAGA, MARTYR (uso pa pala yun!), SADISTA, and worst PATHETIC!” He even let me to talk to his wife. I assured his wife I will not communicate with him anymore (FYI: we never had a real break-up. we have cultural differences and other’s don’t like to trouble themselves about it. Thing’s would be complicated if he choose me that’s why he never promised me marriage.) I know I will not agree of it too if I were on her shoes.
Some may not understand my/ our situation. But every love story is unique in its sense. What’s important is that I still have his respect and loyalty and the friendship. He assured me no matter what, “I’m still your friend and I explained it to my wife that you’ll always be my good friend.” I told the girl I don’t want others to live out of other people’s misery. And if you really love a person, give him a chance to find himself/ start anew. You’ll never be happy if you wish that they too
feel your suffering. It’s selfish to act/ feel miserable, as the saying goes ‘MISERY LOVES COMPANY’.
I know I can live with that even if I lost him. I know I can still go on living, knowing he will no longer spend the rest of his life with me. Nobody can blame me and say I wasted my time with a person only to end up being alone. It’s easier to forgive a person when you felt he loved you back. Loving a person is the most wonderful thing that can happen to us. I fought for it to the very end. I may be the loser but I risked. That’s the essence of life. I’m freed. I may have lost the love of the lifetime or the TRUE LOVE as others called it. I know I will not cross that same path again, will never love the same again
Maybe some love doesn’t last, or just stay and still we go on our lives. I have felt a sudden death, as if my whole world stopped when I heard those words. But I’m not afraid what’s in store for me. I have faith in myself that I’m strong enough to risk. I just have to believe…

hay naku! dieta ang mga pusa ko at aso. ang mahal na ng bilihin. dapat magdieta na rin ako para pumayat na ulit. kelan kaya makakaahon ang pinas? nakakaalarma na. parang ayaw ko ng mag anak. pati anak ko isama pa sa tagabayad ng utang. i wonder why we’re having this crisis?  siyempre halo halong reasons na yun. minsan tuloy naiisip ko, baka magsasaka ayaw na talagang magtanim. ang hirap kayang magsaka! pati global warming nakikisama rin sa crisis. di naman feel kong maging makabayan kaya lang ewan. mas gusto ko na lang isipin ibenta na lang kaya tayo ng gobyerno ng di tayo ang magbayad ng utang na nakocorrupt lng ng mga politiko.tsk!tsk!masama tong ganitong pag iisip. yameru ho ga ii to omou ya. yoshi!

2008. i just heard three weddings from my good friends. everybody seems to get married.30 na nga pla kme. syempre im not alone. i don’t know kung abnormal na ata ako or para na rin akong pusa.i don’t feel empty inspite of the distance ni sayangku.parang ang close pa rin nya. kase nasa kokuro baga. adik!ay !basta, otso, swerte. kaya? whatever, im happy for those friends na ikakasal this january n september nga ba si onang? they will not settle down, just a new chapter in life. syempre this time, with someone they chose to spend the rest of their life with.whatever…

kui woke up one day and realized that i became a bit tired of this routine. im not bored. i’m restless or maybe i just missed one person who’s far away from me. i tried to like guys yet no one equaled that guy. pathetic! the word i loved to describe myself in times like. how can two person just separate when u know u love each other. how will u heal ur heart when it was not wounded, just separated and yet this feeling is so close, u can hear it beating just for him. life! with all the changes going on, science can’t explain well the mystery of the how a person feels. do i have to wait? i simply can’t let go. no. not yet now…or maybe this will take a lifetime. don’t blame me. i won’t listen to u. i just love the feeling that on the other part of the earth, one feels the same way that i do. and we simply can’t let go …

i don’t know if i am sad.or should  i feel sad.nasanay na yata ako sa failures. i have been wont to count my failures , rejections ,  much more what is left of me after a failure. ironically, i don’t feel sad but regretful coz i did what i have to do yet, kinapos talaga. anyways, i learned when i lived in manila, when a person closed his door for you, a stranger comes in and smilingly opens that there’s more for u to knock and be welcomed. kahit di ka niya mahalin, at least for the time being u feel ur capable again to wander ,leap a foot and find urself a company.pathetic!hahaha!bumagsak kase…hahaha!!!misery loves company. at least im not alone to break the record…

jan 14, besavilla reviewing center…
it was sunday. katatapos lang ng hydraulics topic. i was so happy na magbreak kase yosing yosi na ako.
so baba ang lola nyo at mega pausok sa tapat ng stall na may bench sa harap.
antok na antok ako ng hydraulics time. i didnt know pano ako nagsurvive ng two hours.
i got back to the room. pagkaupo ko sa chair, sabi ng katabi kong guy, ang layo ng narating mo ah?
di naman. sa baba lang, yosi break. hindi yun ang ibig kong sabihin. ano? sabi ni sir, ang layo daw ng narating mo kase nakanganga ka pa kanina habang nagtuturo sya.
ewan ko kung nahiya ako or deadma. nahiya akong itanong if me kasama pang hilik yung tulog ko. at deadma, kase di ko mapigilan yung antok. wa ko care! ilang beses pa kaya kong aantokin? nakakakaba na ah…makapag self-review na nga.

Katatapos lang manood ng buong PRINCESS HOURS: chap 6-24, for 18 hours. Puyat. Luwas pa ko manila bukas pra magreview. Nakakatuwaa kase. Anyways, nakakaopen ng mind. I don’t want to sound pathetic pero wa ko ker. I just realized with that telenovela, no matter how hard u try to hold on with love, if it’s not meant to be, it will never be yours. Like I’ve said to my friends I left in japan who knew the story of my lovelife- makakaraos din ako.
nakakamiss lang kase. sa una lang talaga mahirap, pero masasanay din ako.naheheal naman ang heart eh. through time. kelangan ko ng maging engineer para may kapalit yung nawala sa akin…
review na to bukas! puyat talaga ko.

it was christmas. ang daming batang pumunta. pati inaanak ng ate and sis ko, inampon ko na. it was a happy moment. mixed feeling. how i wish me anak na ko. i envy those mothers, i want to hug those kids as if they are my own. i thought christmas is just for kids when you reach this age. i thought sila na lang ang ang may right magwish. but since, christmas naman, nakisabay na ko. libre naman eh. i don’t expect it would be given soon, but i believe it would be granted someday.

i didn’t ask for money. there’s so many things money can’t buy. i have been praying this single heart’s desire- i want a happy family of my own, a loving husband and kids i will grow old with. somehow this sense of belonging comes naturally, when you’re alone, when your friends are out of reach, when you pretend to your family that you’re strong though inside you’re vulnerable and when you think that you have accomplished something and yet, something is missing…